hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I wear drunk well.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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