I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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