She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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