also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize