all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
