He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
