Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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