i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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