Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
