I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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