I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
