chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
