Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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