Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I stole a fireplace last night.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
