Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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