I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
