I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize