When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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