Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I puked a lego.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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