oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
