Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
