so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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