we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
and she was petting her beer can
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
