Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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