Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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