Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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