i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
