All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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