Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
