Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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