Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
