I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
