im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
no, he came in my armpit
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
