i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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