You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
