I just saw a hot homeless man
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
