totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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