Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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