threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
