Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
