Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
