He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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