I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
