My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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