I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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