ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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