Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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