woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
