Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
