our cab driver is having phone sex.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
