Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
