if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize