So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
