I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
