My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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