even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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