i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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