seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
