Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
