i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
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