dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
