Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Alive.
So much puke
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
