we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize