y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
