I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
