Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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