Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
