I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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