There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
